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rest of the gentlemen left
the garden by the side gate just as he obtained a view of it; and
the young ladies, he knew, had walked out alone, soon after
breakfast. The coast was clear.
The breakfast-parlour door was partially open. He peeped in.
The spinster aunt was knitting. He coughed; she looked up and
smiled. Hesitation formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingles
character. He laid his finger on his lips mysteriously, walked in,
and closed the door.
Miss Wardle, said Mr. Jingle, with affected earnestness,
forgive intrusion--short acquaintance--no time for ceremony--
all discovered.
Sir! said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by the unexpected
apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr. Jingles sanity.
Hush! said Mr. Jingle, in a stage-whisper--Large boy--
dumpling face--round eyes--rascal! Here he shook his head
expressively, and the spinster aunt trembled with agitation.
I presume you allude to Joseph, Sir? said the lady, making an
effort to appear composed.
Yes, maam--damn that Joe!--treacherous dog, Joe--told the
old lady--old lady furious--wild--raving--arbour--Tupman--
kissing and hugging--all that sort of thing--eh, maam--eh?
Mr. Jingle, said the spinster aunt, if you come here, Sir, to
insult me--
Not at all--by no means, replied the unabashed Mr. Jingle--
overheard the tale--came to warn you of your danger--tender
my services--prevent the hubbub. Never mind--think it an
insult--leave the room--and he turned, as if to carry the threat
into execution.
What SHALL I do! said the poor spinster, bursting into tears.
My brother will be furious.
Of course he will, said Mr. Jingle pausing--outrageous.
Oh, Mr. Jingle, what CAN I say! exclaimed the spinster aunt, in
another flood of despair.
Say he dreamt it, replied Mr. Jingle coolly.
A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at
this suggestion. Mr. Jingle perceived it, and followed up his advantage.
Pooh, pooh!--nothing more easy--blackguard boy--lovely
woman--fat boy horsewhipped--you believed--end of the
matter--all comfortable.
Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of
this ill-timed discovery was delightful to the spinsters feelings, or
whether the hearing herself described as a lovely woman
softened the asperity of her grief, we know not. She blushed
slightly, and cast a grateful look on Mr. Jingle.
That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed his eyes on the
spinster aunts face for a couple of minutes, started melodramatically,
and suddenly withdrew them.
You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle, said the lady, in a plaintive
voice. May I show my gratitude for your kind interference,
by inquiring into the cause, with a view, if possible, to its removal?
Ha! exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start--removal!
remove my unhappiness, and your love bestowed upon a man
who is insensible to the blessing--who even now contemplates a
design upon the affections of the niece of the creature who--but
no; he is my friend; I will not expose his vices. Miss Wardle--
farewell! At the conclusion of this address, the most consecutive
he was ever known to utter, Mr. Jingle applied to his eyes the
remnant of a handkerchief before noticed, and turned towards
the door.
Stay, Mr. Jingle! said the spinster aunt emphatically. You
have made an allusion to Mr. Tupman--explain it.
Never! exclaimed Jingle, with a professional (i.e., theatrical)
air. Never! and, by way of showing that he had no desire to be
questioned further, he drew a chair close to that of the spinster
aunt and sat down.
Mr. Jingle, said the aunt, I entreat--I implore you, if there
is any dreadful mystery connected with Mr. Tupman, reveal it.
Can I, said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the aunts face--
can I see--lovely creature--sacrificed at the shrine--
heartless avarice! He appeared to be struggling with various
conflicting emotions for a few seconds, and then said in a low voice--
Tupman only wants your money.
The wretch! exclaimed the spinster, with energetic indignation.
(Mr. Jingles doubts were resolved. She HAD money.)
More than that, said Jingle--loves another.
Another! ejaculated the spinster. Who?
Short girl--black eyes--niece Emily.
There was a pause.
Now, if there was one individual in the whole world, of whom
the spinster aunt entertained a mortal and deep-rooted jealousy,
it was this identical niece. The colour rushed over her face and
neck, and she tossed her head in silence with an air of ineffable
contempt. At last, biting her thin lips, and bridling up, she said--
It cant be. I wont believe it.
Watch em, said Jingle.
I will, said the aunt.
Watch his looks.
I will.
His whispers.
I will.
Hell sit next her at table.
Let him.
Hell flatter her.
Let him.
Hell pay her every possible attention.
Let him.
And hell cut you.
Cut ME! screamed the spinster aunt. HE cut ME; will he! and
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