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The Pickwick Papers 165







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as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand, bowing with the utmost politeness and respect. This heres Pickvick, your Wash-up, said Grummer. Come, none o that ere, old Strike-a-light, interposed Mr. Weller, elbowing himself into the front rank. Beg your pardon, sir, but this here officer o yourn in the gambooge tops, ull never earn a decent livin as a master o the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity, this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this heres Mr. Tupman; that eres Mr. Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the tother side, Mr. Winkle--all wery nice genlmn, Sir, as youll be wery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these here officers o yourn to the tread--mill for a month or two, the sooner we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first, pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed the tother king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies. At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with his right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard him throughout with unspeakable awe. Who is this man, Grummer? said the magistrate,. Wery desprate chracter, your Wash-up, replied Grummer. He attempted to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so we took him into custody, and brought him here. You did quite right, replied the magistrate. He is evidently a desperate ruffian. He is my servant, Sir, said Mr. Pickwick angrily. Oh! he is your servant, is he? said Mr. Nupkins. A conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwicks servant. Put that down, Mr. Jinks. Mr. Jinks did so. Whats your name, fellow? thundered Mr. Nupkins. Veller, replied Sam. A very good name for the Newgate Calendar, said Mr. Nupkins. This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes duration. Put down his name, Mr. Jinks, said the magistrate. Two Ls, old feller, said Sam. Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh at the wrong man, in these cases. Where do you live? said the magistrate. Vere ever I can, replied Sam. Put down that, Mr. Jinks, said the magistrate, who was fast rising into a rage. Score it under, said Sam. He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks, said the magistrate. He is a vagabond on his own statement,-- is he not, Mr. Jinks? Certainly, Sir. Then Ill commit him--Ill commit him as such, said Mr. Nupkins. This is a wery impartial country for justice, said Sam.There aint a magistrate goin as dont commit himself twice as he commits other people. At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately. Grummer, said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, how dare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a special constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir? I am very sorry, your Wash-up, stammered Grummer. Very sorry! said the furious magistrate. You shall repent of this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Take that fellows staff away. Hes drunk. Youre drunk, fellow. I am not drunk, your Worship, said the man. You ARE drunk, returned the magistrate. How dare you say you are not drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesnt he smell of spirits, Grummer? Horrid, your Wash-up, replied Grummer, who had a vague impression that there was a smell of rum somewhere. I knew he did, said Mr. Nupkins. I saw he was drunk when he first came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye, Mr. Jinks? Certainly, Sir. I havent touched a drop of spirits this morning, said the man, who was as sober a fellow as need be. How dare you tell me a falsehood? said Mr. Nupkins. Isnt he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks? Certainly, Sir, replied Jinks. Mr. Jinks, said the magistrate, I shall commit that man for contempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks. And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was the magistrates adviser (having had a legal education of three years in a country attorneys office), whispered the magistrate that he thought it wouldnt do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that in consideration of the specials family, he would merely reprimand

The Pickwick Papers page 164        The Pickwick Papers page 166